It’s summer, everyone is out having fun, you just started dating a girl or have a girl friend you’d like to get to know better. How nice would it be to do a weekend trip? One little problem: you’ve haven’t slept with her yet. Yup, it’s awkward. It’s definitely awkward. Do you ask her if she wants her own room? Do you get one room and play it by ear? Sticky situation. I want to tell you about an experience I had which gave me a lot of insight to write this blog.
At the time, I was living in Los Angeles. I received a text from a guy I grew up with that said “Hey, I’m in San Fran this weekend, if I send you a ticket, will you come up?” Without thinking, I sent a text back “Sure.”
I hear the swoosh of my text and all I can think is “OMG! I just told him I would come spend the night!” I never even kissed this guy let alone get intimate with him! I was attracted to him, but I wasn’t ready to jump into bed with him. Crap! Good Job Lorraine, now what?
I asked myself:
“Will he get me my own room?”
“Should I ask for my own room?”
“Maybe I should tell him I forgot I had plans?” etc. . .
What did I do? Nothing. I decided to wait and deal with it when I got there.
Fast forward: my flight landed, my friend picked me up at the airport, we went out for a nice dinner, followed by a romantic walk along the water. So far so good. During the drive back to the hotel we caught up on each others lives. We covered everything except the sleeping arrangements. (Of course I’m mentally kicking myself for not being clear about the room situation.)
We get to the hotel, as we’re walking down the hall to the room, I start freaking out because I’m nervous and don’t want to share a bed with him. Slowly, he opens the the door, and steps aside so I can walk in. What do I see? TWO BEDS! I was shocked. I think he saw the look on my face because he said “I didn’t want to assume.” I couldn’t believe he got two beds! How classy was that? At that moment, I felt respected; the pressure was off. I had choices. (Btw, the second bed was never used.)
I wanted to share this is because it’s important for you to know that if you respect a woman, she will let down her guard and start trusting you. If your goal is intimacy, establishing trust in the beginning of a relationship is critical.
Don’t assume. If you haven’t slept with a girl and would like to take her away, be upfront with her. Ask her if she wants her own room or a two bedroom suite, same room- two beds, one bed? A woman likes to be in control. Give her choices. If she says “yes” she wants her own room, don’t take it personally. Some of us need time. Just because you book two rooms doesn’t mean you can’t end up in one.
You’re wondering wtf is ” Filter Free Friday?” — Ok, every friday, me, Lorraine, will post a personal unfiltered blog on sex – dating and everything in between. Also, I have decided to add some curated content to my blog. I will be taking the most interesting posts from the TOP 10 Blogs and reposting them on Girls Unedited. This way, Girls Unedited can be a one stop deal. You will get the best of everything without having to surf the net. Just bare with me, this is a new brainstorm of mine. It may take me a few weeks to get down. But I will get down with it. Enjoy the ride and don’t forget that I do give free email advice if you are in need.
Most have us have been there. You have the good friend who you fantasize about sleeping with. I guess it’s back to wanting what you can’t have. Before I start writing, I’m not talking about friends with benefits (I will blog about that another day.) I’m talking about hooking up with a good friend, sleeping with them and building a relationship.
The following is my own true story of how my best friend became my lover.
When I was 19 yrs old I was a bartender at this funky place called Jon & Peters. Many top musicians launched their career in this neat little local bar, which, believe it or not, still exists. I became very good friends with one of my regulars, let’s call him Joey. Joey was/is a super cool easy going guy and one of the best stone masons around. He and I did everything together. We leaned on each others through the good times and bad. When I was working he would come and visit me. When I was off, we would go out for drinks and come back to my apartment and sleep together. Sleep together as in good night, kiss on the cheek, nothing more. I can still remember him spooning me at night, me thinking how safe I felt when he was with me. Fast forward, I moved to the west coast, Joey got married and had kids. I got engaged, married, divorced and had a son of my own.
A few years back, I was visiting back east and my cousin told me that Joey was separated and getting a divorce. It had been years since I last saw him. I decided to give him a call and see what he was up to. He proceeded to ask myself, my mom and my son to his house for dinner. As always, we had a great time. Food was perfect, we laughed about old times and decided to stay in touch. A few days later I went on one of the worst dates I ever had with, ironically, a stone mason. (Another blog.) Around 10:30 pm when I got home from my date , Joey sent me a text:
Joey : Whats up? how are you?
Me: Just went on the worse date ever
Joey: that sucks! you should have gone out with me
Me: You never asked
Joey: Never thought you’d go
Me: Try me
Joey: Meet me at 86 on thursday around 5? (86 is a sushi restaurant in town)
Note: Joey knows me quite well. I prefer going out early and I never get picked up on a date. Just a me thing. Very thoughtful and considerate.
I met Joey on Thursday, we had an amazing time, laughing, talking, no pressure. No pressure is a key element in dating. The following weeks we spent a lot of time together. Nothing sexual, just enjoying each other’s company. What flipped the switch? One night on my mom’s front door step. Since we were 19, Joey always walked me to the door at the end of the night. This particular night was different. In the midst of saying goodbye, Joey looked into my eyes and with a soft quiet voice said “would it be okay if I kissed you?”
What could I say? He had been so sweet, so patient, so caring, his actions made me want to explore a deeper part of him. I all the sudden got really shy and said ” I guess.” He softly pulled me closer and probably gave me the most passionate kisses I’ve ever had. And that was it. At that point, I realized that my best friend was a part of me.
We dated across country for two years. Sexually I did things with Joey that I’ve never done before. He accepted me for who I am and filled a void no other guys could. I think a lot of the reason was because I trusted him. Our relationship was organic, passionate and easy. Even though we are just friends at the moment, I will always hold a place for Joey in my heart and I will never forget the two years we spent together. I fell in love with my best friend.
So, YES, it is possible to have a relationship with a girl who is just your friend.
How do you go about it? I think what worked in my situation was time. During the time Joey and I were apart, we lived our life and grew as adults. When we met again, our friendship was different. I think we were able to appreciate each other for who we had become and for what we shared in the past. My best advice is to stay sincere and be patient. Don’t push. Timing is probably the most important element in a relationship. If you feel like she takes you for granted, break away for awhile. Don’t be too available. Maybe when you come back into her life, she’ll see you in a different light.
If you have any questions or need dating advice, feel free to email me: email@example.com
You went out with a girl for the first time, you thought it went great, but then you never heard back from her again. Most likely it’s not about you. She might be too busy at work and doesn’t want a relationship. Maybe she’s still into her ex-boyfriend. OR, it might be something you did. Check out this list to make sure you didn’t make an obvious wrong move.
- KISS — Yup, no kissing on the first date. At the very least, no kissing with tongue. I can’t really explain why, but it works. I think it’s an ego thing with women. We expect guys to want to kiss us so when you don’t, it throws us a curve ball and we want you even more.
- GET ON YOUR PHONE — If you have kids at home it’s perfectly fine to keep your phone available for emergencies. But, if it’s not important, don’t pick up your phone. And guys, keep your phone turned over. Seeing another chick call is not a turn on.
- BATHE IN COLOGNE — Too much cologne can be a total deal breaker. Remember, you don’t really know this girl. She could be allergic or the cologne might be offensive. Personally, heavy cologne makes me sick. Wear something fresh and subtle. Even a good aftershave could be nice.
- TALK ABOUT EX’S — Don’t trash your Ex! You dated her. Why are you with crazy chicks? Are you crazy?
- SHOW UP UNKEMPT — Okay, I know a lot of you don’t like to fuss, BUT you must make sure your nails are clean and trimmed, your hair is washed, your facial hair is either non-existent or groomed. The last thing you want a girl to say is “he was nice but his nails were too long” or “cool guy but his hair smelled like a greasy old man” or “he looked like he slept in his clothes.”
- OVER TALK YOUR DATE — Make sure you listen to what your date has to say. And prove it by asking her question. No girl wants to hear a guy talk about themselves all night. If she asks you about yourself — great! If not, ask her questions.
- MAKE IT A LONG NIGHT — Go out, have fun, enjoy the conversation but don’t make it the everlasting date. You have a life remember?! Girls like busy guys. Leave her wanting more.
A few years ago I met Ryan. We dated for 9 months when I was abruptly hit with the “I think I need some time alone” talk. Don’t ya hate that when that happens!?! But whatever, life went on.
We kept in touch. Two years later, he came back into my life wanting to give “us” a try again. We started texting, and I soon starting receiving numerous texts of sexy 5” Louboutin’s, YSL, and Blahnik’s.
Ryan was ready and willing to drop $1000 on a pair of designer shoes. Like most girls, I love shoes. Would my choice be 5” heels that I can’t walk in? No, personally my choice would be boots. I’m a definite boot junky.
At first I thought how sweet and generous it was for Ryan to buy me a pair of expensive shoes. But when I thought about it, I realized the shoes were a present for him, not me. Especially when he said he couldn’t wait to f**k me in the shoes. Being a chic, I decided to test him. (Yes, girls test guys all the time. Sad but true. We are not always sugar and spice and everything nice.)
I sent him a photo of a pair of boots I really wanted with a text saying “I think I would much rather have the rag & bone boots than the YSL shoes.” He didn’t respond. I felt a little resentful. I thought he only cared about sex and shoes.
Three days later I was pleasantly surprised when UPS delivered the boots. Ryan agreed the shoes were for him and he wanted me to have the boots I liked. He bought me both so we both could be happy. Major brownie points on that one!
Disclosing a fetish can be nerve wracking. Exposing a desire is not always easy. You can either make a choice to “come out” and be open or keep it to yourself. If your relationship starts to get serious, it’s going to be hard to hold back what excites you from your partner.
Whether your fetish is shoes, lingerie, dominance etc. the best advice I can give you is to bring up your fetish organically. If shoes do it for you, find a photo of the shoes you like and say “I think these would look great on you, what do you think?”
If you like bondage, get Netflix and watch 9 1/2 Weeks or Fifty Shades of Grey. After the movie have a conversation about sex. Maybe start by saying “have you ever been tied up or blindfolded? What are your feelings about that?” Don’t get discouraged if your partner says she’s not interested. Sometimes it takes time for a girl to be open to something she hasn’t been exposed to. What I would say, is don’t surprise her with your fetish.
My girlfriend and had a great laugh the other day when thinking back to a guy she was seeing last year who had a surprise birthday gift for her. Unintentionally, Jackie found her present. Just what every girl wants for her birthday, a ball gag! I wonder who’s genius idea that was? Needless to say, Jackie wasn’t up for being gagged on her birthday and that was the last she saw Tim.
Although its fictional, in Fifty Shades of Grey, it took time for Anastasia to let down her guard to Christian’s desires. If a girl is really into you, she will most likely want to please you. My best advice is to make sure you support her needs and desires, so she doesn’t feel like it’s all about you. Take care of her and she will take care of you! And by the way, I’ve grown pretty fond of my YSL shoes.
Lauren dishes on why foreign guys appeal to her.