I met Jason when I was walking my dog on the beach. He had just moved in and was new to the area, working for Google in what they now call Silicon Beach in Santa Monica. Our dogs hit it off and soon we were sharing stories and became friends. Jason told me he was single but super into a hot chick at his gym. He said she always seemed busy and never made eye contact with him, so he thought she wasn’t interested. I told him he should talk to her, but said he didn’t have the nerve. Surely this guy knew how to talk to girls, right? I finally asked, “What are you afraid of?” He said he was afraid she would blow him off. I said “ I understand that and if she did, how would you feel?” His answer: “horrible, stupid, like a loser…”
I asked him to look at this from another angle. “What might be some of her reasons for always seeming preoccupied? What if they had nothing to do with you?” It’s easy to make assumptions that aren’t necessarily positive. Together we came up with a list of reasons—she might be stressed out at work, possibly just focused on her work out, she might be in a relationship, family problems etc….
Me: What do you really want from this girl?
Jason: “I want to go out with her”
Me: How do you know? You don’t know the first thing about her.
Jason: Well, I’d like to get to know her. Meet her for coffee or a drink.
Me: So, how are you going to do that if you don’t talk to her?
Jason: I probably never will
Here’s the Break Down: How to Talk to Girls
First Step: Connecting
I explained that a guy needs to make a girl feel comfortable. We all know, there are some weird folks out there. Girls naturally play defense because we have to—it’s a survival skill. I asked Jason to think about the people this girl might talk to on a regular basis: the mailman, the cashier at the market, the employees at Starbucks…
He said he noticed she and the guy who works the front counter of the gym were always talking. He even wondered if she was dating him. The first thing Jason needed to do was make a connection with her. Smiling is always a good start!
Studies show that humans mimic behavior and that doing so helps form close social bonds. If a guy is checking out a girl from across the gym and she catches him, that’s creepy! It’s much better to make a connection and be on a first name basis.
Second: Overcoming Fears, Beliefs and Assumptions
I asked Jason to tell me about himself. I wanted to know how he thought his friends might describe him.
“I don’t know… I think I’m a stand-up guy. My friends say I’m funny, dependable. I love sports and dogs”
Then I asked him why a girl wouldn’t want to know a guy like him. Jason was cool and easy to talk to.
“I’m think I’m too skinny, my career isn’t exactly where I want it to be yet… I don’t have a ton of money like some of the guys here in Los Angeles. She probably only dates rich guys.”
I brought him back to the list of good things he’d told me about himself, pointing out that the negative beliefs were all assumptions. Jason assumed his girl crush didn’t like slender guys, assumed that she only dated guys with money. He actually doesn’t know her or what she’s looking for, or if she’s even looking. I urged him to smile, then go up and introduce himself next time he saw her at the gym. I knew that if he didn’t engage, nothing would ever happen.
Third: Taking Action
Jason introduced himself at the juice bar. He found out her name was Kim and they liked the same smoothies. He knew one thing for sure about Kim: they both order the Tropical Blast. The second time he ran into Kim she was near the exit. Remembering what I said, Jason didn’t make an assumption, smiled and said “See ya, Kim.”
Everybody loves to be addressed by their name. To his surprise, Kim apologized for being in a rush and shared that she was on her way to a nursing class and couldn’t be late. Turns out she’s a single mom and full time nurse, enrolled in school part time. Her life was busy.
The next time they ran into one another was at a dog park. Kim recognized Jason from the gym and walked over with her dog. She was much more relaxed and hung out for about 20 minutes talking. Kim even let down her guard and told Jason that she had just got out of a long-term relationship.
Although Jason didn’t make a romantic connection with Kim, the experience helped him realize his own assumptions had been his biggest blocks in dating. Even though they didn’t go on a date, he became friends with Kim and learned a valuable lesson. And finally started to feel comfortable talking to girls.
The truth is, there’s no way of knowing if a relationship will develop until you get to know someone—and that takes time and effort. The key is to enjoy the process. None of us has a crystal ball. Not every interaction is going to be a homerun, but we have to get up to the plate and take a swing. If you’re in a dating dilemma, remember, I offer 30 minutes of FREE dating advice. Just shoot me an email so we can book your session. email@example.com
And by the way, after hanging out in the dog park every now and then, Jason and Kim finally started to date. Now they’re engaged.